Orkin Man

Some of you have been briefed of my Orkin Man woes through my Facebook status, but for the rest of you, I wanted to share with you the dangers of the Orkin man. Okay, he's not dangerous. Freaky. Most definitely. Creepy. Yeppers.

It all started a few years ago with an angry ant tirade that ravaged my kitchen. They were horrid. They were fierce. And I about lost the little sanity I had left being pregnant and having two toddlers who thought the ants were their friends and that it was nice they wanted to go into their goldfish bowls and snag the crumbs left over. We found the place of entry and they were. . . exterminated. So surprise I was when they reappeared a few months ago. This time I called in the big shots, not your mom and pop spray company, oh no, I went right to the top. And Orkin it was. My first experience with my Orkin Man was pleasant but a little unnerving.

I expected him to come and explain what they were going to use to spray, I needed to explain I had 3 small children and a dog, all 4 of which eat strange things like plants and dirt, so please, nothing too toxic. As I usually am weary of all servicemen I do not know, which happens to be all servicemen, I stepped outside on to the porch closing the door behind me. Keeping my 3 children safe in the house, hoping they would be spared if the Orkin Man chose to murder me. Now, for the male readers of this blog, yes, you 4. You are probably thinking, "paranoid! poor guy is just doing his job!" right? Well, let me explain a little something about women. This is not paranoia, this is how we live our life at all times. Trying to search out our escape routes and listening to the footstep patterns of the man behind us as we walk to our car from Target. Okay, not all the time. Because I am really just an easy target when I'm alone. Do you really think the enemy wants to take me and my THREE whiny, screaming, probably snotty children? No. But when we are alone we are constantly sizing up the enemy and trying to remember the most recent Oprah episode having to do with self defense. And being I don't watch Oprah I would be in big trouble. 

Back to my story. Okay, so I step onto the porch and the Orkin Man asks if he could come inside instead. And being that I can't be rude unless I was rude to first, I let him in. We sit down at the dining table and I sign the contract. Simple, he'll be out in no time. Nope. He asks for a soda. And when I tell him I don't have soda he asks me what I do have. I offer him water, and not water in a glass which would mean he has to sit and drink the water in my house, I give him a bottle of water that he can take with him, outside. He tries to make chit chat about where I'm from. Ummm. Here. Finally he leaves and I think, great. I'm free. But then the door knocks again, and yep, it's the Orkin Man. Apparently he wanted to gift me some uber powerful spray that is for professional use only. But he gives it to me. Figuring it's something I would then have to pay for I ask him how much. Nothing. It's free, for you. Ummm, thanks?

Fast forward to the next quarter when he is supposed to come spray our outside again. He calls me and says, "Hi Deborah". "Hi, who is this?" "It's (insert name here, not sure and I can't remember now)" "Okay" "From Orkin" "Okay" "Well, I just wanted to tell you I will come by to spray tomorrow" "Okay, thank you" "Will you be home" "Maybe, depends what time, but the gate will be unlocked" "Thanks, see you tomorrow".

And of course I am home, and not only home but enjoying the last day of the kids' winter vacation, so of course I am in my pajamas. And by pajamas I mean PJs, not nighty or lingerie or anything else that may be mildly attractive. I mean my floral flannel pants and a White Sox sweatshirt that I stole from my husband's roommate 10 years ago and still happens to be my favorite sweatshirt. I answer the knock on the door and is wondering why he has to even talk to me instead of just go and spray the yard. I say hello, wave and stand there waiting for him to tell me what the deal is. Nothing really so I go back to cleaning the kitchen. About 10 minutes later I am standing at the sink washing some dishes, and you know that feeling you get when you are being watched? Yeah, that one. I got that feeling and looked up to meet the Orkin Man's gaze. Most people would immediately look away right? Nope. He stood there, I looked down to rinse a dish, checked once again and still met his gaze, so I left the rest of the dishes in the sink. I called Aaron and told him if I was dead when he got home it was the Orkin Man. And that I loved him and the password to our online banking and told him to please remarry, my children need a mother. 

About 20 minutes later, another knock on my door. Okay, I need to sign something, no big deal. Then he takes note of my sweatshirt and wants to know if I'm from Chicago, or have I lived here all my life. No, not from Chicago, and I try to make my tone seem annoyed as if conveying the thought that I have a sink full of dirty dishes to now attend to now that he will be leaving. No, he's not ready to leave just yet. He asks me if I want a fly trap for my porch. I tell him my husband usually takes care of that, and since we have one in the backyard for bees, I'll just have him pick one up for flies, but thanks anyway. No, this is not the fly trap my husband would get, no, this is different and much better. I ask him how much this superior fly trap will cost me, thinking he's just trying to upsell me something. His response was one of surprise, shock, insult . . . Why it's free. What do you mean it's free? Yes, for you it's free. Alright, thanks. Well, the kicker is he doesn't actually have it in his truck, so he's going to have to go pick one up and then bring it back later. You mean to tell me you are going to go buy a fly trap and then come back here and give it to me and not want me to pay for it? Yes.

Later. As in when my husband will be home? That same husband who thinks every normal person in the world has a stalker, no big deal, and that I'm just a really paranoid woman. All Orkin men behave this way. Coincidentally the Orkin Man did not bring the fly trap Friday afternoon when I told him to do so and he could talk to my husband about it. And I doubt I will see him over the weekend. So my choices are to cancel my service and just tell him I have no more ants, if they return I will let him know. I don't think it'd be a good idea to ask for a new Orkin Man since this guy knows too much about us and our house and I don't want to offend or insult him. Or just switch to a different company.

Or I could believe my husband, that he is harmless and just wants to be my new friend. For the moment I decided to start Tivo'ing Oprah. just. in. case.