Home

Capable?

I think all moms have their times, days, weeks of feeling totally incapable of doing anything. From raising their children to be the best human beings possible, to keeping their home the way it should be, to being a good wife, to looking your most put together, and I think I can go on. . .Well, yesterday was my day. For some reason (I think that stupid ticket set me up for a horrible week) I have been pretty much a wreck in my husband's most descriptive and sensitive words. 

Sawyer was in a show at his preschool, which I will post video or photos from later, and it just made me so sad that he is growing up so fast. I can remember when Gunnar was in that exact show 2 years ago, and now he's a little man. My minutes are ticking by where he is most impressionable and everything I do on a daily basis will form him into the man he will be for the rest of his life. A little pressure, no?


Probably having another child when he was just a baby himself has put into reality how precious my time is with each one of my kids. I savor the minutes we spend alone and those are far and few between. Really, should your quality alone time with one of your kids be when they are on the toilet and you're reading them a story? Not to me. I am from a family of 2 and everything was always very equal and very easy to feel close with your parents. I seriously don't know how my husband, from 6 kids could grow up with a connection to his parents. I asked him last night, do you think having more children does an injustice to the ones you already have? To him, giving your children a sibling, a playmate, is a gift. Not a burden. I totally agree. But I regularly feel like my kids are not getting what they deserve as far as time because of each other. Aaron's point was just because children are deserving of something doesn't mean they necessarily should have it. I disagree. 


I asked him what memory he has of himself and his mom, just the two of them. He stood there thinking for a long time, and came back with nothing. But it wasn't something he was ever sad about either, it was the way it was. I think I strive to make each of my kids feel like they are the only one sometimes. Because to me, to feel like you are it when you really aren't is important. But it's a lot harder of an undertaking then I realized. It is easy with Greta, her brothers are in school and she gets me to herself a lot. But her brothers only get me when they get all of us as a group. And I have a feeling that that will continue as they get older. More important things will crowd out our time and thus I feel everything slipping through my fingers. 

Last night after I put Greta to sleep I came downstairs and walked in the boys bedroom. Gunnar of course was already asleep and Sawyer just lay there holding Foxy to his chest. I could not remember the last time I was with him, next to him while he was going to sleep. I didn't even know exactly how he goes to sleep. Does he fidget, does he fall asleep on his stomach, side? Does he talk or lay with his eyes open or shut? I decided I would find out. I took a spot next to him on his bunk bed and just laid there. He snuggled in close and I could tell this was something that would we would both savor. 


I found out why he never wakes up with socks on and there's a little sock pile under his covers. He rubs his feet together when he gets sleepy and he starts with his toes up around his ankles and takes turns switching from foot to foot. Thus come the socks. I also discovered how those boogers get on the wall next to his pillow, it's like he uses cement to stick them. I'm serious, I need a razor to scrape them from the wall! It's about the time the socks come off that he checks out his nose for any unwanteds. He's not a squirmer, quietly lays on his back. His animal held tight. His eyes fight the sleep though. Slowly his blinks get a little longer each time, his eyelids a little heavier, until they just stay. 

It was nice to be there. A bad habit? I don't think I can call it a habit, just something I think I needed at the time. Maybe I'll do it again, sometime. 


This having three kids thing isn't really that much harder physically, or more difficult mentally, and really financially even you don't notice the change, but emotionally I think it takes a toll. That's three children now that you have to protect from everything bad, horrible, unkind, it's three little people you are responsible for molding them to be the best that they are capable of being. And you know how capable they are, it's your own capableness that is the question sometimes.